So we go. July, July. I thought I began already but perhaps it is lost. I have no idea if or when this will be seen, so I stutter. No, I stutter anyway. I have changed rooms and am uncertain as to what to do with myself when I’ve nothing directly in front of me or my list is gone. There are too many spiders in my room. I wonder if they’ve been biting me at night; I have a large bite on my hip/ass that is not clearly definable as mosquito or spider. All the things I want to do: money and time are a necessity. Not in excess- -à drive perhaps too, though.

I don’t consider things in writing as often as I should. In writing I am finding that I have obviously thought often of many subjects, developing opinions and ideas, but neglected to follow through by not putting it down somewhere to look at and manipulate. Tomorrow I will walk to the back of the property at K’s old house and look around. It’s been a while. Also, wheel, kiln, cats.

∞ its crazy. End of July, nothing very different. I want to be somewhere. I might be lost in time but just not quite enough- does this make sense? I am not utterly lost, just barely lost. And barely is not enough. I am tied now to many things, people. Most of which/whom I do not want to be tied to. All the d’s are fine. Looking back, I see that I did the cats. The kiln/wheel I have been less motivated about. I did look at the shack in the middle of the back. I am not certain why. I think I went under the assumption that it could be easy to get some electricity back there for the pottery idea. filled with the stench of offal and thick with wasps and poison plants. I ran home through the corn because the sky was benighted with the threat of rain. But what I started this with was an idea that escaped before I could pin it- about st. john’s and how to approach it. I thought, honestly, that it would be very different from the others but in fact, it is quite similar to both… all three in its questions. I suppose what I like most about it is that it introduces the questions in a very matter-of-fact manner that makes me more comfortable and more inclined to answer in a most natural manner. A discussion- if only between my inner and outer being. Simple, not stone, honest and fun.

And yet I feel somewhat helpless. I think it is the lack of immediacy and at-hand antics. It is something that I want to do on the fly, but only if there is no chance of losing. This one, I care about and want to win. This THIS, I want to work. All of this. What I have now, see now, and the potential of good. That, I want.